Queen Padmé Tales: The Fifth Sith - Ongoing Text [satire]
Why can’t we have them all?
Abstract
Objective
This ambitious series of screenplays breaks a long-time taboo against writing Star Wars and Star Trek crossovers, but also aims to make the case for commercial yet free/open (Creative Commons / etc.) fan fiction / crossovers / real person fiction (see e.g: Our mission statement) and screenplays written in easier to write formats than the draconian, finicky, and boring, Hollywood-blessed format.
Abstract
While the birth parents of Queen Padmé Amidala of the Naboo of the Selinaverse (Tiffany Alvord , b. 1992) were killed in a starship crash when she was 1 years old, she was adopted by her aunt, the Duchess Elizabeth Amidala (Natalie Portman), and her aunt's husband, Darth Vader, who volunteered to act as King in effect until Padmé's coming of age. As a result, Padmé had a happy childhood until she turned 18 at 2010 and was ready to become the bona fide monarch of Naboo.
Padmé already learned enough about managing a planet country by volunteering to help Vader, and he encouraged her to do so. On the surface, she is happy:
She is the richest person in Naboo and one of the richest women in the galaxy.
She has enough free time to contribute on Internet content and code sharing sites.
She has many supporting friends, including her boyfriend, Anakin Skywalker (Jake Coco), a promising jedi-wannabe, who is about her age, and with aspirations for joining the mysterious but revered jedi order of Siths, of which only Vader and Emperor Palpatine are the known extant members.
In practice, though, there is the Sword of Damocles:
Critics on online publications and social media who are unhappy with every choice she makes.
A poorly executed takeover attempt by a “real life” celebrity (Emma Watson) thought to be flawless.
Her boyfriend being so busy with his studies that he becomes awfully laconic even in his emails.
Her spirit friends, who are animated characters from My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic and other fantastical universes, who appear at the seemingly least desirable moments, and whom everyone can see, hear, photograph, and record, but whom many people believe are some kind of trick.
And her biggest pet peeve: her positive bank balance which keeps getting larger, despite her many attempts to reduce it.
Queen Padmé Tales: The Fifth Sith
Node LinkAbout this screenplay
Node LinkNextObjective
Node LinkNext[ An illustrated screenplay crossing Star Wars Ep. I, the original Star Wars trilogy, the Selinaverse (itself crossing Star Trek TNG/DS9, Buffy, Judaism, Israel, Objectivism, etc.) the real world online/offline life in 2010s/2020s, Spaceballs, and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
This screenplay is not written in the Hollywood blessed format because good hackers (= resourceful and rule bending heroes) who include the talented actors and actresses in this film, can withstand reading a raw and non-CSS-styled XHTML5 file. That - and hackers like me do not have the time to massage a screenplay into Hollywood’s whimsical format only to be rejected, rinse and repeat. ]
Licence
PrevNode Link[ Emblem:
This text is Copyright by Shlomi Fish , 2021 and is made available under the Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 Unported Licence (CC-by) (or at your option - any later version). ]
Main Scene
PrevNode LinkAnakin quitting jedi school
Node LinkNextCriticising Anakin
Node Link[ Padmé is sitting in her office in the morning using a desktop Linux system. She is writing an E-mail to her boyfriend, Anakin Skywalker.
A male cat is lying above the keyboard. ]
[ Padmé pauses. ]
[ The cat steps on the keyboard resulting in keystroke noise.
Padmé sends the E-mail by accident. ]
[ She sends a short apology email saying "Sorry, Ani! I sent the last message by accident. Cat…". She receives a reply. ]
[ She opens a videochat to Katie. ]
[ Cut.
Caption on the screen: “About 10 minutes later.”
Padmé gets out of her office to the corridor.
A portal opens and Anakin and Katie step out.
Anakin hugs Padmé . ]
Anakin becoming a sith
PrevNode LinkNextAnakin the jedi
Node LinkNext[ Anakin and Padmé enter Darth Vader’s office.
Note: Anakin Skywalker and Darth Vader are two different characters in this screenplay. ]
Yoda as a closet sith
PrevNode Link[ Yoda appears on screen. ]
[ Tweet by @Yoda: “The third sith is I. Created the legend of the Sith 2,000 years ago have I. “Master Darth Yoda” call me you can. Or just plain “Yoda”.” ]
[ Padmé and Anakin leave the room.
Yoda is seen chuckling, and the two other Siths (Vader and Emperor Palpatine) join him. ]
After the Date
PrevNode LinkNextFunny can be sexy
Node LinkNext[ Padmé and Anakin returned from their date, and are walking towards Padmé’s room. ]
[ They both laugh. ]
[ They think for a moment, and then start kissing passionately.
Cut. ]
Sith in the sheets
PrevNode LinkNext[ Caption: "Later that night"
Padmé and Anakin are in Padmé’s bedroom. ]
[ Before Anakin closes the door. ]
[ Anakin closes the door. Padmé is lying in bed happy. After several seconds she opens her eyes widely. ]
What maketh a sith?
PrevNode Link[ Padmé is walking to her office. ]
[ Padmé opens the door to her office. She enters, sits next to the computer, types "what is a sith" ( without the quotes ) into the browser’s address bar, and presses Enter. Her vision becomes blurry and she falls asleep. ]
Q about the essence of being a Sith
PrevNode LinkNextThe morning after
Node LinkNext[ Padmé is in her office sleeping with a wide smile on her face. She wakes up, stretches her arms, and then sees four spirit friends: Twilight Sparkle, Starlight Glimmer, Rainbow Dash, and Discord. ]
[ Showing an antique reel to reel computer not unlike the PDP-11
]
[ He presses a red button and the computer morphs into a more modern / futuristic one. ]
[ The printer starts printing. Discord takes a page. ]
[ Q of the Selinaverse rings the office’s door bell. He is wearing a Star Fleet uniform. ]
[ The spirit friends say "ooh", chuckle, and use their smartphones to tweet. ]
Q and Discord Present about The State of the Selinaverse
PrevNode Link[ TODO: add live excerpts from the talk by Q of the Selinaverse and his spiritual cousin Discord (who was forked from the one at the end of the mlpfim 7th season). ]
Padmé multiplies-dash-lang-dot-org
PrevNode LinkNext[ The first four Siths (= Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Yoda, and Anaking) are sitting at Darth Vader’s office playing Bohnanza, along with C-3PO and R2-D2. ]
[ Padmé enters. ]
[ Anakin thumbs up. ]
[ Padmé’s eyes become ebbing dark, and the four Spirit friends (= Twilight Sparkle, Starlight Glimmer, Rainbow Dash, and Discord), appear by Padmé’s sides. Discord snaps his fingers, and intimidating guns not unlike the ones in the film The Mask, materialise in the hands of the Spirit friends. ]
[ The guns prepare-to-shoot. ]
[ The first four siths are startled, and scream.
The four guns fire signs saying “gotcha!”. ]
[ The first four siths are relieved. ]
[ Gangnam Style/etc. remix starts playing and the characters from the Queen Padmé Tales series start dancing or swaying to it.
The End. ]
Image Credits
PrevNode LinkNextDedication
PrevNode Link[ The Dedication: ]